


Beloved

by darkmochecoffee



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-20 02:37:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7387222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmochecoffee/pseuds/darkmochecoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim Junmyeon is the gem of South Korea's entertainment industry. Wu Yifan is her manager.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

Wu Yifan begins to ponder all his life decisions that have led to this particular moment in time. There’s a deep indentation between his thick eyebrows as he taps his shoes irritably onto the tiled floor. It’s a rhythmic sound that doesn’t manage to calm the manager.

It’s been twenty minutes and Yifan decides to enter the godforsaken room himself. He reaches the door emblazoned with a small white board, Kim Junmyeon is written on its surface in block letters.

“Can someone explain to me why it’s taking so long?” Yifan demands as soon as the door opens soundlessly.

There’s seven people in the room, including him and the woman staring blankly at her reflection. The rest of the staff cower at the tone of the manager’s voice. A sole makeup artist brazenly steps forward, makeup brush and contouring palette brandished like some sort of shield and sword against the dragon also known as an angry manager Wu.

“We’re having a hard time fixing her makeup.” The woman timidly says, “More of a culture shock because of the sudden change, also we’re not the same style team who’d done her makeup for the music video shoot.”

“Oh fuck.” Yifan curses and grabs the makeup stand himself, he procures an appropriate palette and a makeup brush, staring at the pale face of Kim Junmyeon, and he sighs. This woman is twenty-six, she is Kim Junmyeon and she is Asia’s Angel, South Korea’s most influential celebrity and a multi-million selling artist. This woman, Kim Junmyeon, will cause his death soon, Yifan thinks as he runs the makeup brush along the slightly blemished skin.


	2. one

DISPATCH _“KIM JUNMYEON ENDS SUCCESFUL PROMOTIONS FOR “DEAR YOU.”_

[+1457, -68] _Congrats on another successful comeback our angel!_

[+897, -175] _Our Junmyeon did not disappoint with this one. The album is solid as usual and the songs are perfect for the season. Her haters can say whatever they like, we won’t stop loving our angel. Until the next comeback!_

[+384, -1457] _thank god, her promotions are over. I’m tired of seeing her face always. What a pretentious bitch._

June 7, 2014. 1:04 AM

The woman onstage smiles, crooning the softest musical note as she strums the acoustic guitar on her lap. She continues to sing for a nonexistent audience, her face serene. Tendrils of her long hair, bleached to platinum perfection, fall from the loose ponytail as she ends the song with another soft smile. After a few moments she stands up from her small wooden stool and bows to the men handling the camera.

“Thank you for your hard work.” She says and exits the stage.

Manager Wu Yifan watches as Junmyeon descends from the stage with her usual graceful stance and almost dainty steps. Yifan does not notice the uniform look of awe the camera men have as they watch Junmyeon leave the stage because Yifan is focused, too focused, at the way Junmyeon gradually lose her usual grace and hunches all the way to her backstage dressing room.

It is a few minutes after one in the morning and the studio is dreadfully frigid but Junmyeon endured. It was the last stage of her recent comeback, the song she performed being the carrier track of her latest multi-million seller album. It looked so easy, as if producing an album that would appeal to millions across the globe was a task done in a day’s work. Yifan smiles wryly, it is easy she is Kim Junmyeon after all, Asia’s best and finest and every possible synonym to greatness can be alluded to her name.

Yifan does not move from his spot, earlier he’d noticed that Junmyeon screwed up one of her vocal adlibs, might be because of the coldness of the room affecting her throat. Yifan had in mind to mention it to her but decided against it after. She is tired; he isn’t heartless.

He leaves the audience stand and moves with quick steps to Junmyeon’s dressing room. The singer half splayed on the leather couch is what Yifan sees the moment he steps inside. They share a look, a muted greeting of sorts and Yifan silently goes and grabs Junmyeon’s pills –Yifan doesn’t know what these small colorful tablets are for or what they are in general. All that Junmyeon’s told him is that they are prescribed by her doctor. Yifan doesn’t believe her but he doesn’t say anything else –and a small thermos full of lemon tea. He hands them to her and Junmyeon says another muted ‘thank you.’

Yifan watches as Junmyeon downs three of the medicine tablets with the lemon tea. Her pallor is ghastly, a shade just a bit darker than ivory under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the room. Yifan seats himself beside her and Junmyeon automatically leans her tired, weary body on the older.

“Manager ssi.”

Yifan rolls his eyes at the name. Junmyeon had wanted to call him manager oppa before but it made Yifan’s skin crawl, it sounded like he was a perverted old man so they both decided to negate it and Junmyeon had settled for Manager ssi since then.

Yifan adjusts their position and makes Junmyeon rest her head on top of his thighs, nobody bats an eyelash at the action. Junmyeon has been naturally clingy. Yifan has been dealing with her touches for the past six years and Junmyeon’s whole attending staff doesn’t care about the two’s seemingly intimate relationship. They don’t question the two simply because they do not want to meddle into Junmyeon’s rather convoluted life.

There’s no relationship except artist-manager however, and Yifan does not entirely care what others think. He does not hold any interest of the sort for Junmyeon and has always seen her as his younger sister.

But Yifan cares very deeply for Junmyeon and that is the simple, unerring truth.

“It’s your goodbye stage.” Yifan starts, loosening the tie holding Junmyeon’s hair. “What do you wanna eat?”

Junmyeon smiles, “Pork.”

 

//

August 3, 2014. 2:35 PM

Yifan stares at Junmyeon from across the oval conference table and slowly directs his gaze to the five important looking people around it.

The memo told him about a meeting, time and place. It didn’t tell him that the higher ups are planning to change something. Yifan thinks it is going to ruin him, whatever the bosses are planning, it’s going to ruin him.

They will give Junmyeon a new concept, a fantastic change in image, as what they said. Yifan again stares at the said singer, her face bare of any trace of makeup up sans the thin film of strawberry lip balm she wears. Yifan knows its strawberry because he purchased it himself. Junmyeon does not look bothered, she sits there and lets the higher ups decide what to do with her career and lets them be.

Yifan always wondered when she’d stopped caring.

She had been passionate. She were hands on for her first album and she loved it despite the fact that it didn’t break expectations. It was a lost cause, they said but at least Junmyeon had the same brightness to her that Yifan hasn’t seen for a long time now.

“Fine,” Junmyeon breathes, looking a lot more resigned, “let’s change it then. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over again anyway.”

In the next few weeks, Yifan witnesses such a shocking change in Junmyeon’s physical appearance.

In the duration of her career, she’d always been the type to wield acoustic guitars and dance on tennis shoes. She is twenty-six but she constantly looked like a virginal, faultless pre-pubescent girl that seemed to appeal to millions. Yifan gives her credit for that.

And they changed her alright. Starting with her hair that’s always been blonde, brown or various shades of pastel through the years is now back to its natural obsidian shade cut shorter that it falls right on top of her narrow shoulders. Gone is the long platinum blonde hair that Yifan always loved.

Yifan couldn’t say he misses it though because Junmyeon looked a lot more her age, mature, beautiful not pretty.

It was just the beginning.

//

NewsEn _“Kim Junmyeon graces the red carpet for Busan International Film Festival.”_

[+3249, -156] _Omg, omg, omg. Was that Kim Junmyeon, what happened to her? What’s with the makeup? And has anyone seen her black hair since like 2008? Oh my god._

[+1267, -34] _what the fck, was that Kim Junmyeon? O_o_

[+1190, -25] _well this is interesting._

August 17, 2014. 7:00 PM

Junmyeon attends a film festival that night. She looked…daunting.

Just a few months ago during the annual MAMAs, she’d graced the red carpet with her usual infallible innocent fashion. A dainty peach dress and light makeup.

Innocent, pretty, graceful.

Yifan couldn’t say the same thing now because Junmyeon wears her makeup like a shield. Intense eyes lined with dark kohl and bloody red lips. She is dressed in a tight, black, lace dress that covered her neck but bared her pristine backside.

“Manager ssi.”

Yifan looks at her but avoids glancing down her neck. He swore to every deity he knows that he doesn’t try and think about Junmyeon’s body under all those loose, wispy clothes before. He couldn’t avoid it now, he is still a man after all.

“Do I look fine?”

More than fine.

“Of course you look fine.” Yifan answers hoping to conceal the desire in his voice, he wants to fucking kick himself. Of course she’d look fine, she is twenty-six at the peak of her evanescent superficial beauty.

She will look more than fucking fine.

Thankfully, thankfully. The vehicle stops and Yifan hears Junmyeon’s long intake of breath. She is nervous, her fingertips visibly shaking.

“You know what, just rock that dress and blow them all away.”

Junmyeon looks at him before she leans in, planting her unmoving lips beside his mouth. “Thanks, Yifan.”

Yifan still reels from the contact long after the event ended.

The media labels the change as the ‘metamorphosis’ Yifan rolls his eyes at the sheer stupidity of it.

//

August 28, 2014. 11: 23 PM

A plethora of theories regarding Junmyeon’s sudden change generates a considerable amount of public commotion through the internet, both negative and positive. Kim Junmyeon is yet again, the talk of the town and Yifan doesn’t even care. His biggest problem centered on the artist herself.

The face of Yifan’s digital wristwatch, glares a white 11:23 PM. He stands up and groans, rubbing at his eyes like a child would. He’d slept on the bench outside Junmyeon’s practice room and the light filtering out of the frosted glass door hurts Yifan’s eyes and the music mutedly reverberating outside the deserted hallway feels too loud in Yifan’s ears. The beat is fast paced and heavy, the bass a bit too powerful, Yifan ignores it as he enters just as the music abruptly halts to a stop. Junmyeon is lying on the floor, face up. Her face bare of makeup and her dark hair up in a loosened knot. Sweat comes down her face in rivulets, she looks breathtaking.

Yifan is in danger.

“What are you doing here?” Junmyeon rasps, heaving herself up.

Yifan has no definite answer for the question so he shrugs and tosses Junmyeon a towel to wipe the sweat off her face. “I thought they were giving you a slow, sensual R&B track for your comeback.” Yifan says and consequently cringes at his own description which sounded like he read it off a cue card. He hands Junmyeon her colorful pills and Junmyeon caps it down with her favorite lemon tea which obviously had gone stale.

“Yeah it is a ‘slow, sensual R&B track.’” Junmyeon wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “Wanna see the choreo of it.”

Yifan nods mindlessly, facing away from Junmyeon that he doesn’t see the singer strap on a pair of red heels and drag a chair to the center of the room. When Yifan looks back the music drops. The beginnings of a slow R&B track with muted hints of jazz oscillates through the room but Yifan doesn’t hear it, his focus zooming onto Junmyeon and Junmyeon alone.

Yifan, in that moment, decides that staring at Junmyeon during that time was one of his worst life decisions.

The dance was subdued. Junmyeon’s sits on the chair, with her thighs parted, bracketing both sides of it. Her eyes are closed as she mouths the lyrics and in one point her pony tail completely loosens letting her hair frame her face in utmost perfection.

Yifan could’ve sworn that his heart had stopped. It is entirely the most erotic scene he’s witnessed in the last twenty-eight years of his life. Junmyeon wore no revealing clothing, her face absolutely void of makeup, but in that moment Yifan had never seen someone so beautiful.

So fleetingly beautiful.

The music stops but Yifan feels as though the very core of his principles is shaken to little bits and pieces, he feels as if he is committing a big offense against the very god he doesn’t believe in.

The both of them stay silent.

“So manager ssi,” Junmyeon lifts herself from the seat, “What do you think about it?”

This woman is going to kill me.

“It was great Junmyeon.” Yifan answers. “It was great.”

“I hope my fans will love it. It’s not entirely out of my comfort zone but then again I’ve been known as the most pretentious bitch in this industry, my fans will probably consider this a huge culture shock.” Junmyeon smiles thoughtfully, “anyhow, I’d love it if they’d love it too. It’s my final gift.”

Yifan always admired this particular character of the singer. In a grueling do or die industry what’s important is you sell what you put out. Junmyeon, however, from the start is always considerate of what her audience would love. Her logic defies the principle of a musician but Junmyeon had told him that what fans would like is more important than how she wants her music to turn out, in the first place she doesn’t even entirely have the control to it anyway.

She does things with infallible sincerity that almost seemed pretentious.

Maybe it’s one of the reasons that catapulted her to the top.

“they’ll love it.” Yifan states and tosses Junmyeon a change of clothes. “Change then let’s end practice today.” Yifan exits the room.

//

Newsen: _“Kim Junmyeon releases teaser photos for “Persona” ahead of September comeback.”_

[+3457, -345] _I don’t recognize her but I don’t care I’m sure she’ll nail this as always. Plus it doesn’t look tacky and cheap like what others put out. She looks sophisticated._

[2789, -704] _She’s not the same Junmyeon I’ve loved since debut, but this looks infinitely interesting._

[1849, -189] _I’ve never been this excited for Junmyeon’s comeback before. She looks beautiful and mature and it’s about time SMX change something about her._

August 30, 2014. 9:05 PM

The music video filming comes two days later and Yifan feels a kind of dread run cold down his spine. He’d seen the set for the carrier single, a plain white room with a dark chair in the middle of it. It looked different from the chair Junmyeon had used two days prior.

The director wanted to give the video a raw feel to it by highlighting the dance and Junmyeon’s expressions.

The singer appears in the simplest look she had yet. Junmyeon’s makeup only defined by her stark red lipstick, her top a nondescript white button-up and pants that accentuated her legs like second skin. The outfit is completed by the same pair of red heels Yifan had seen. She is beautiful.

“Filming commences in five minutes, please standby.”

As soon as the cameras roll, the constant low buzzing around the studio considerably tones down. Everyone in the room stares at Junmyeon, who starts dancing like no one’s watching. Eyes are transfixed and breaths held as the low beat drops. Yifan feels an overwhelming sense of jealousy as everyone share a look of uniform enthrallment at the absolute spectacle before them.

Just like that, Yifan wished the room was empty. He wishes that no one could hear Junmyeon’s sensuous vocals as it resounds through the space. Junmyeon still dances with that subdued eroticism that almost made Yifan’s heart stop.

Something snaps.

Yifan suddenly wants Junmyeon’s sultry gaze only directed to him, he wants Junmyeon.

The realization comes like a slew of rocks thrown on Yifan’s face. He can’t pinpoint what made him snap this time, maybe it’s the sudden change of image, Junmyeon needing his touch almost constantly and this sudden want or a combination of everything.

After six years of artist-manager relationship, Kim Junmyeon finally makes him snap and Yifan knew what that meant with horrifying clarity.

“Fuck.” And the manager exits the studio, fingers itching to light a cigarette.

//

Yifan changes after he realizes the desire that he’d been harboring for god knows how long. He shies away from unnecessary skin contact that he’d indulged Junmyeon for years before the agency decided to screw with his head. He performs his duties with rigid precision and he hates himself for it.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, I just need someone to… I don’t know hold on to I guess. I’m tired.”

Yifan sighs and lets the 22 year old lean against him. “Don’t you think this is weird though, what will your staff say?”

“I don’t know Manager ssi, I just need someone to hold on to, someone to ground me. It’s scary you know, on that stage there’s literally thousands looking up at you, they’re all a bunch of blurry faces but I know that one of them or all of them are just waiting for the right chance to see me slip up. Just one chance to see their perfect little doll show human flaws and that’s it. I’m scared because I know that one day I can never reach what is expected of me. And in this moment I just needed someone to hold me back and tell me that I’m human and it’s okay to fail.”

“So do you expect that of me, Junmyeon?”

“You’re the only available person close enough Manager ssi, so yeah.”

Yifan snaps out of the sudden memory. He knew all the reasons to Junmyeon’s need to touch and for years now Yifan knew the woman held no ulterior motives. She needed someone to ground her as simply as that. She needs someone who wouldn’t think of her as the flawless creature, someone who regards her as a human being, someone who’s just…there.

Yifan doesn’t want to admit but he misses the heat radiating from Junmyeon’s body despite recording in frigid studios, her small breath of utter contentment when every time she gets to lean against Yifan. But Yifan couldn’t have that again because he realized that he did uphold Junmyeon as some kind of untouchable deity.

Year after year of seeing Junmyeon perform concepts with perfectly childlike innocence, he, like all others, came to believe that Junmyeon is another human incapable of flaw. He couldn’t believe that he’d warped his own thoughts of Kim Junmyeon to preserve the same innocence which millions adored her for.

And for that reason Yifan never bothered to pry his way into Junmyeon’s private life. He doesn’t know about Junmyeon’s fleeting relationships and never knew if Junmyeon welcomed strangers for random encounters. Yifan isn’t blind to idol’s reality when it comes to relationships and sex. He knows that most of them avoid it all together just to cement their precarious reputation in an ever changing industry, and with entertainment agencies breathing down their necks and the media’s eyes on them on every waking moment they rather abstain and do nothing.

It’s just another thing to give up for a dream.

And this dream, this dream that destroys more than it cultivates.

Yifan sometimes pity the kids, young trainees brimming of hope. When these children are forced to grow up way too early for the sake of their lofty ambitions, these ambitions that turn into a beautiful nightmare that destroys from the inside out, when the cheers hurt their ears instead of inspiring them to do better, when the stage lights become blinding, when they look into the mirror and fail to recognize themselves.

He is ashamed that even an insider in the industry like he is, has been swayed by Junmyeon’s superficial image. The same image that the agency concocted for her, the same persona that she is forced to embody regardless if she loathes it or not.

Yifan sometimes wonder if Junmyeon’s dreams are inherently destroying her too.

It’s honestly revolting that the person Junmyeon trusted that’ll understand the things that made her human doesn’t even know her.

Yifan is ashamed of himself that he is attracted to her like a moth to flame, he’s afraid that when he gives in, he’ll burn the both of them.


	3. two

Pann: _“Kim Junmyeon graces the cover of Ceci’s October Issue.”_

[+3456, -1290] _so beautiful_

[+2789, -346] _I’m having a hard time processing this but I agree with everyone, she is entirely beautiful. SMX should’ve done this a long time ago. Who knew that the real beauty has been hidden all along?_

[+1679, -122] _the guy on the centerfold picture is Manager Wu right? They look great._

September 3, 2014. 10:20 AM

Yifan knows he couldn’t avoid Junmyeon’s touches and Junmyeon’s presence in general. Even before the agency started the change in her image, Junmyeon had a naturally enticing presence. Kim Junmyeon has something about her that makes people stop, turn their heads and stare. Imagine that same aura multiplied tenfold due to the riveting change.

Yifan could get away at first because Junmyeon is here and there, too busy with the preparations of her new album that she doesn’t notice her manager move around her like she’s a ticking time bomb. On the sidelines, Yifan watches her and forces himself to stay rooted to the ground.

Always easier said than done.

A few weeks before Junmyeon releases her new album, she partakes in a rather risqué photo shoot for Ceci.

The magazine had been wanting to do the shoot with Junmyeon for years now and they finally struck a chance when Junmyeon decided to let go of her innocent image. They had been wanting to do the shoot with her for years but the agency constantly turned them down to preserve Junmyeon’s image. Now that she’s decided to shed the pretentious innocent mask, the magazine hit the chance like vultures to a corpse.

The shoot isn’t all out ‘obscene’. It goes with Junmyeon’s mature theme with perfect sophistication.

Yifan has a hard time watching.

The shoot takes place in a hotel penthouse, the cameras go off in blinding flashes and makeup artists bustle around. Junmyeon is the only focus for the shoot and the woman sits on a window ledge, one of her bare legs dangle precariously, the other folded against her chest. She wears a loose white button up that could have reached the middle of her thighs if she were standing up. Her makeup is light, her lips highlighted with a faint shiny gloss.

Junmyeon shifts every time the camera flashes. Her movements nimble but loose. There’s a consequent praise every time she stares at the camera with her tight lipped expressions and soft brown eyes that had become steely.

The shoot goes and Yifan needs to step out of the makeshift studio to calm himself. The overwhelming urge to touch her courses through Yifan’s veins like fiery stones and it threatens to burn him from the inside. He opens one of the en suite veranda and fishes for the crumpled pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. His fingers shake and he curses when he fails to light it.

Yifan is all too aware of the heat the pooled in his middle, his cock half hard aching to be touched.

He hates everyone with a fucking passion.

It takes half an hour before he composes himself –abolishing every indecent image of Junmyeon he had in mind –and in that moment Junmyeon finishes the first part of her shoot.

“Manager Wu?”

Yifan turns around and he catches an unfamiliar girl give him a subtle once over. He decides against calling her out for it.

“What?”

“The director requests your presence for the next part of the shoot.” The woman says without missing a beat.

Yifan spikes an eyebrow upward “And why? Don’t you have a fixed model for that?”

“I’m not sure why, he wants you to do the shoot with Miss Kim.”

Yifan sighs, so much for avoiding Kim Junmyeon.

Yifan is aware of his aesthetic appeal, and earlier the once over must’ve been the woman’s way of assessing his face. No need for that because Yifan is a former model himself and he is aware that his face has the right angles, it is symmetrical and perfect or at least it’s what his past art directors tell him.

It was his face that landed him a contract. He was seventeen, a Chinese foreign exchange student who could barely speak the Korean language.

At first Yifan genuinely enjoyed it. They paid him well, and the free clothes from expensive brands that he’d modelled was merely a bonus. And then he started to hate it. He hated all the layers of makeup they swathed his face with, hated the forced nutritional diet and the gruesome exercises to maintain his body, he hated the rough jeans that dug too hard on his skin. But most of all he hated being on the opposite side of the camera where everyone thought he wasn’t good enough. He hated to be scrutinized like he was a specimen under a microscope. He hated feeling too naked with his invisible scars gaping for everyone to see and prod.

And so Yifan quit, he was twenty-two and by then they were planning to debut Junmyeon. The entertainment agency didn’t want to let him go so they put him into Junmyeon’s managerial jobs.

They had their ulterior motives of course. They thought that to be close to another artist would make Yifan re-sign his modelling contract and maybe spur him on to train and debut as a prepackaged idol. They would’ve made millions especially with Yifan’s almost familiar face that had graced numerous magazines through the years.

Yifan never did. He didn’t want to submit himself to an addiction that he knew would’ve killed him if he didn’t let go. He accepted the job though, he needed the money and he held no romantic inkling for Junmyeon for years after that. If the media deemed it abnormal that a female young artist had a male for a manager, he didn’t care and still does not care.

Six years later, Yifan is a seasoned manager and a part time makeup artist. He acquired one too many unneeded secrets of the Korean entertainment industry and he vowed to never reenter this void and like the many faces that disappeared through the years, Yifan faded into the background as well.

The manager snaps off his reverie as the woman stares rather imploringly at him. Yifan sighs. “Fine.”

The both of them walk back to the studio and Yifan feels another chill run down his spine and not because of the frigid temperature inside. Yifan doesn’t see Junmyeon from where she was previously at.

Yifan turns to the petite woman just as he is led to and technically pushed into a curtained off portion of the room that acts as a dressing room. “What’s the theme?” He asks and the woman completely ignores him, motioning instead to the ladies busy arranging different racks of clothing.

“Please wear this.” The woman hands him a coat, slacks and some white dress shirt and in record time Yifan looks like an appropriate gentleman. He glances at his reflection –complete with his makeup caked face and the slacks that dig roughly against the skin on his hip –and he is reminded why he left the industry in the first place. He hated how shallow it is. How shallow he currently looks.

“Just this time.” Yifan says to himself, “Just this time.”

When Yifan parts the curtain the sight that greets him causes a considerable spike in his blood pressure. The completed set reminds Yifan of something he’d see in an old Hollywood film: a macabre looking Victorian themed bedroom completed by furniture in the same red color with gold accents. The center of the focus must be the elegant four poster bed with an elaborate maroon canopy supported by intricately designed oak posts, that sit in the middle of the room.

But what rivets Yifan is Junmyeon, who sits on the edge of the bed. She is dressed accordingly, a studded diamond tiara sits atop her head and her face looked like it was swathed with three layers of makeup. Yifan forces himself to direct his gaze to Junmyeon's face and not down to the tight fitting sleeveless dress that swooped low revealing pronounced collarbones and the top of her breasts.

She is beautiful alright and Yifan wished she didn’t look like a lifeless doll.

Yifan watches with bleak fascination as the shoot goes on. It felt like hours but in reality, it’s barely twenty minutes. The shoot ends after a precise instruction and Junmyeon is ushered away for another costume change. This time, she emerges in a red dress which thankfully covers her being except for her back, which is completely bare. Her face still looks like it’s covered in three layers of makeup but the tiara had been removed and her hair is down.

Junmyeon directs him a glance, offering him a small subdued smile and Yifan cannot hear anything but the ravaged beating of his own heart. He sees Junmyeon walk up to him with her usual languid grace and the manager forces his feet to stay rooted to the ground.

“We’re going out, the art director wanted uh…a classic hallway photo shoot.” Junmyeon says, “I hope this is okay with you Manager ssi.”

Yifan nods mindlessly as he follows Junmyeon to the next location. The hallway looked vintage, complete with red carpets and low hanging crystal chandeliers which cast dim lighting all over the place. The theme goes well with Junmyeon’s previous Victorian themed shoot, classic.

Reflectors and cameras are already up and about and the art director instructs them how he wants the shoot to go on. Yifan doesn’t catch half of what the man said as he is too distracted by the sight of Junmyeon. Yifan lets himself be pushed onto Junmyeon whose back is pressed against the hallway wall.

Yifan’s heart beats too fucking fast for it to be considered normal.

Junmyeon silently grabs his forearm and Yifan almost jolts due to the contact. “Are you really okay with this? I don’t understand why the director wanted you for the pictures. I can always get another model.”

Yifan’s mind immediately clears up. The thought of another human being touching Junmyeon sends electric impulses all over Yifan’s being and like the years he spent in front of the camera, it all came back to him.

Yifan stares at Junmyeon before he leans in, lifting Junmyeon’s face to him but angling it towards the camera that the whole side of her beautiful visage will be clearly highlighted “tell me if this is not okay with you.” He says just as flashes erupt into the background. Yifan cannot register anything but Junmyeon, her hands curled against his chest, the scent of her perfume, the brown of her eyes.

Junmyeon, Junmyeon, Junmyeon.

Yifan feels like he is hanging on a metaphorical ledge, summoning ever deity he knows to save him. Save him from Kim Junmyeon and the desire that carved a burning path right through his heart.

“Okay that is enough, switch to another pose.”

Yifan snaps out of his momentary daze to look at Junmyeon who looks equally stunned. Yifan gives him a smile before the shoot resumes so much without a hitch.

Through the course of it, Yifan desperately tried to reign in in his composure albeit the fact that his control seemed to seep out of his very pores and his whole body is ablaze with want, greedy utter want for Junmyeon’s flesh against his. The thought of it makes Yifan want to retch, he is ashamed of himself.

Yifan almost wanted to give Junmyeon a medal. After six long years she finally manages to make him snap.

Yifan is ashamed.

Needless to say, Ceci’s October issue garners a considerable amount of preorders and it sells like hot pancakes during the beginnings of the chilliest season in South Korea. The magazine had to be reprinted several times to appease Junmyeon’s fans and the heightened public interest. Junmyeon graces the cover, her face consequently photoshopped to remove all excess imperfection. She looked dazzling in her diamond tiara and expressionless face.

She looks perfectly composed and beautifully bland, Yifan is compelled to purchase a copy for himself albeit a box full of the same magazine issue is sitting unopened on his coffee table, given to him by Ceci.

Their first photo shoot picture takes centerfold. Yifan smiles wryly at it, his face isn’t duly highlighted but Junmyeon is ever beautiful in her scarlet dress and almost genuine stunned expression, they look great together, Yifan notes.

The rest of Junmyeon’s photos are scattered inside the magazine and Yifan rakes his eyes at them with a passion. Junmyeon is beautiful. Her skin akin to fine China and Yifan is overcome by a desperate urge to scar her lips and bruise her skin.

Yifan wanted to dig his own grave.

//

YTN via Nate: _“”Persona” achieves 1.3 Million copies sold in four weeks.”_

[+5678, -578] _this is her most significant full album up to date. It is simply amazing, the songs could all be title tracks and her performance is better. Her face doesn’t come off as deceiving to me and I’m even surprised that I am suddenly a fan. I already purchased this album and I hope she continues like this for the years to come._

[+3472, -234] _She’s probably going to break her own record. It’s just Junmyeon breaking Junmyeon’s record as usual._

[+890, -1230] _I don’t want this, SMX please bring back our innocent Junmyeon back. TT TT_

October 25, 2014. 4:00 PM

It’s not entirely true that a person will get attuned to another's smallest behavior albeit being with him or her for years. Sometimes it takes a romantic inclination to notice even the faintest details. And maybe Yifan is starting to see more of Kim Junmyeon.

Junmyeon’s promotional period for Persona starts in late September. The preorder this time went up to nine hundred thousand, barely skirting Junmyeon’s previous one point two million preorder record for her last acoustic album, Dear You, which sold a daunting 1.7 million copies in the end.

Persona sold 1.3 million copies as of the twentieth of October and is steadily going up. Yifan thinks it is going to break her two million record. And that in itself is amazing. The album is also charting internationally. It’s not unusual to see Korean songs appearing on both Billboard and Itunes but Junmyeon actually managed to top both charts for a solid week.

Locally, the fans exhaust it almost immediately and the company trips all over themselves to have another repress. The media receives it with gratification and subdued criticism and Junmyeon’s haters come up with a new plethora of reasons to hate her. Junmyeon accepts all the daggers stabbed into her heart with grace and a permanently indulgent, albeit plastic, smile etched on her beautiful face. She wins the Triple Crown and when Yifan starts to watch her with scrutiny, he notices the slightest decline on Junmyeon’s expression.

He’s always watched her perform, he’s a fixture in the audience stand for most of her career. He’s there ready to criticize the singer’s every slipup but never paid attention to the small uninteresting details, like Junmyeon’s post performance expression or during fan signing events. These days, he finds himself incredibly connected to the performer’s every movement, and the faint things in between. Yifan could actually tell when Junmyeon started faking her own happiness.

Yifan stares at Kim Junmyeon as she thanks her fans for another win, the same recycled speech spewing from her mouth every fucking time.

Yifan really wonders when she’d lost her passion.

So Yifan stands there unmoving, his stare continues to burn nonexistent holes onto Junmyeon and he watches her with an utmost intensity. Yifan doesn’t remove his gaze until Junmyeon finally finishes her half-hearted encore and disappears into her backstage dressing room.

“Great job on the win Junmyeon.” Yifan says as he moves into the dressing room. Junmyeon stares at him from where she sits in front of the vanity and she smiles through it, her reflection is utterly plastic to Yifan and the manager continues to wonder why he’s just noticed it after all these goddamned years.

“Thanks manager Wu.”

Yifan doesn’t say anything as he hands her the same plastic pill organizer and her thermos of lemon tea. Junmyeon takes a single pill, foregoing her tea as she swallowed the pill dry. Yifan is slightly unnerved yet his impassive face doesn’t show anything of the sort. Junmyeon hands him back her pill organizer and Yifan stares at the differently colored tablets sectioned neatly by plastic.

Yifan suddenly wonders if Junmyeon takes more medicine than what’s actually needed.

//

November 25, 2014. 7:08 PM

A month passes and Persona continues to sell like hot pancakes. At 1.9 million total copies sold it becomes the most successful album by a South Korean artist up to date.

Junmyeon is happy, or at least that’s what she tries to convey.

Yifan watcher her through a TV screen this time, there’s an ache silently simmering at the back of his skull as he tries to concentrate on the littlest hint that could give away what Junmyeon actually feels.

Junmyeon is a boy’s name, why’d your parents name you a boy’s name.

It’s because they wanted a son for so long and I was the last possible child my mother could have. I already had two older sisters and dad was technically begging to have a son. But then they had me, and named me a boy for consolation.

Junmyeon laughs good-naturedly. She dons a neon bomber jacket and some sweatpants. It was Running Man and she looked happy, but then even through a TV screen Yifan could see glimpses of her scars peeking out through the cracks in her armor.

Yifan gives her credit for looking absolutely joyful, her eyes smile along with her lips but it doesn’t look right. Yifan is not sure why he thinks that it will never look right. Yifan wants to stop himself from watching her with such an obsessive compulsion, it feels like he is physically intruding into her personal space, it feels like he is taking her part by part without her knowing. But he can’t seem to stop. He can’t seem to curb this sudden addiction. He is almost perversely fascinated by it.

And God, he hates himself.

Yifan presses his back into the constricting leather material of the couch, consequently digging the heels of his palms onto his burning eyes. His head starts to hurt and if it weren’t for the sudden pain Yifan would’ve laughed at how screwed up his emotions had become. All thanks to Kim Junmyeon, his walking temptation shrouded in a thick veil of enigma

Junmyeon’s laughter rings clear and joyful in the background. The sound grates at Yifan’s ears.

God, when did he become so fucked up?

//

Instiz: _“Kim Junmyeon winds down promotions for “Persona”, promotions set to end by March + gears up for her upcoming World Tour”_

[+8920, -209] _I can’t wait enough for her tour. I’m just visibly shaking in excitement. By the way, congrats on yet another successful round of promotions. Although im a bit sad that it’s going to end already TT TT_

[+5692, -456] _I still can’t believe that Persona sold 2.3 million copies. It’s insane. And also I kind of like know people that still wanna buy the album, it’s just…unbelievable._

[3281, -321] _I bet no one will ever reach Junmyeon’s popularity, she’s unreachable almost like a goddess. And her record is clean, no scandal whatsoever. Do you guys understand why the nickname goddess? Because that’s what she is, a LITERAL goddess._

 

March 7, 2015. 4:06 PM

Yifan continued to evade Junmyeon like his life depended on it and the manager almost wanted to give her a medal when she’s finally noticed.

It took five months and a few days. During the time, Yifan managed to avoid her like she carried some kind of infectious plague. Yifan had kept his hands to himself and avoided all possible situation that would make him touch her.

It's a few days after Junmyeon’s successful promotions when Junmyeon asks him if he’s got himself a girlfriend during the peak of her promotional period. Yifan manages to hide the pinch of discomfort in his voice, Junmyeon cut too close but not really.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Yifan’s raises an eyebrow for the effect. He hoped that he looked completely composed.

Junmyeon smiles a small smile to herself and turns away from her manager. “You were avoiding me Manager ssi.” She says matter of fact. Yifan forces to clear down the lump in his throat.

“You must haven’t noticed but you were exceedingly busy for the past few months Junmyeon. I thought it was better if I focused on my job and you focus on yours.” Yifan waves a hand hopefully dismissing the subject before his careless tongue can say something more.

“Plus you can’t really expect me to be at your disposal all the time. I’m just a lowly manager.”

Junmyeon laughs at this and Yifan shelves her small uncontrolled wheezing laughter in his mental filing cabinet.

“Manager ssi..” Junmyeon says shortly after composing herself. “Can I get a hug?”

Yifan manages to acquiesce to her small request. He walks towards her and wraps both his long arms around her petite frame. The hold was borderline intimate but Yifan couldn’t begin to care. He holds Junmyeon but she feels too fragile, too thin her bones digging against the manager’s skin. Yifan wanted to tighten the embrace but he’s afraid he’d crush her. Junmyeon melts into his body. Yifan could feel her cling tightly onto his shirt, her whole body trembling. Yifan moves to ask but she grabs him again and this time Yifan knew better than to move.

“Don’t move Yifan, let’s just stay like this.” She whispers, taking in copious amounts of air. She sounded like she was drowning. “Please.”

Yifan doesn’t let go and against his better judgment he tightens the embrace. He rakes his fingers on Junmyeon’s soft dark locks and pretends that it is not the first time that Junmyeon had cried on him like this, her sobs raw, too gut wrenching. Her fingers find purchase on Yifan’s hip, digging so hard it might draw blood. It is painful but Yifan doesn’t fancy moving an inch. He doesn’t ask and doesn’t say anything. He endures and lets her cry whatever it is that she’s been bottling up for so long.

Yifan likes to think he understands the pain and sometimes words aren’t needed for a human being to tell another that it is going to be okay. It is going to be okay.

So they stay like that and Yifan hopes that everything really is okay.

//

They don’t talk about what happened. Life goes on as usual but Yifan doesn’t consciously avoid her anymore. He welcomes the fleeting embraces backstage and in dressing rooms. Yifan massages her fingers during fansign breaks and stays close where she could see him.

Yifan gives her no pretty worded encouragements strung with optimism because he believes that he'd been in her shoes before and he understands how it’s like to not recognize your own reflection. Yifan understands the pain and the utter desperation that makes you question your dreams in the first place. Yifan understands what it feels like to be living your dream as though you are drowning, Yifan understands what it feels like to be chained on top of the world but unable to spread your wings and fly.

These kinds of things don’t need kind but petty words from strangers who know nothing about the rotting image of the Korean entertainment industry that is creatively hidden by a resplendent mask. Because the industry creates the illusion itself, lets you think that what you see on camera is the same without it. Yifan doesn’t blame the fans –mostly young teenagers –if they see these prepackaged faces as though they’re demigods, as though they’re not humans because even Yifan thinks that they’re right sometimes.

He was even deceived that one girl who sings so angelically and danced on tennis shoes, a girl who looked and smiled like a glossy magazine picture with a perfect life, is the same woman who cried herself raw and pretended like it was nothing.

So Yifan doesn’t say anything, but he smiles at Junmyeon and lets his presence be felt because he knows that she needs another human, a familiar face that wouldn’t uphold her as some kind of unreachable deity. Yifan gives himself credit for finally snapping out of his disillusionment

Yifan also switches her pills with actual food supplements. He flushes the colorful antidepressants and various sleeping pills down the drain and if Junmyeon noticed the change in her medication, she doesn’t say anything.


	4. three

April 5, 2015. 8:10 PM

Promotions for Persona finally ends in April. The album sells a daunting 2.3 million copies in a few months and SMX, Junmyeon’s entertainment agency, decided to stop production. Junmyeon had received all sorts of awards he’d been given before during the year end festivities a few months prior.

They say it was another spectacular feat and people say that no one will ever reach Junmyeon’s point of popularity, she’s on top of the world. Junmyeon receives all this with the same plastic smile. But then again, Yifan also notes that Junmyeon has never looked this depressed in years as well. It’s not that she’s on top of the world because it seemed that Junmyeon had the world on her shoulders instead.

Junmyeon’s eyes never looked quite the same anymore. And more than his head, Yifan’s heart aches, it aches for another soul lost in the ever present glamour of Hallyu, his heart aches for another soul he’s learned to cherish and adore.

Of all things, he hurts for Kim Junmyeon.

 

//

Worldwide Trends

1 #HappyJunmyeonDay

2 Happy Birthday Junmyeon

3 #27th김준면

4 Brazil

5 #Suho

6 #FridayThoughts

7 Happy Birthday Angel

8 #Day7

9 episode 10

10 #GoT

 

May 21, 2015. 11:07 PM

Yifan gathers the small box of pastries in his hold as he punches the code to Junmyeon’s penthouse. The door opens silently and the manager kicks his shoes by the door before quietly padding his way inside the sophisticated apartment. The living room is dreadfully cold and the only light filtering through are from the glass walls occupying one side of the space. Yifan heads for Junmyeon’s bedroom but the doorway suddenly opens, revealing a handsome man trying to rake his hair into some semblance of order. Yifan notices him first and when the man looks up, their eyes meet.

Yifan almost drops the box to the ground.

“Bye Taekwoon ssi...”

Yifan turns his head to the source of the voice and swallows. He has quite a clear idea of what just happened but his mind still reels from the harsh reality of it. It feels like he drank a glass of battery acid and it burned his throat all the way down to his heart.

The man, Taekwoon, as what Junmyeon called him simply nods at Yifan and quietly makes his way out of the house.

Yifan never felt emotions as raw and as sharp as what he feels for Junmyeon and what he felt in that moment was unspeakable. He wanted to break and hurt and unleash the sudden pent up rage before he realized he couldn’t, because he’s only a manager. One man belonging to the hundreds that attend to Junmyeon as her working staff.

Yifan could only sigh as he tries to curb the rage inside him. The manager gives no warning but a simple call of Junmyeon’s name before he enters the singer’s private bedroom.

“Manager ssi…what?”

There’s a look of complete surprise on Junmyeon’s face as she rises from her semi-reclined position, blearily staring at Yifan through the waves of hair cascading down her face.

Small mercies, Junmyeon is somewhat decent. Yifan looks at her face, beautiful as usual but the air in the room smells of perfume and sex.

“Happy Birthday Junmyeon.” Yifan says as he puts the box of chocolate pastries on the coffee table. He wonders why his voice suddenly lost its natural inflection. Junmyeon regards him with a laugh, she moves out of the bed (her legs bare) to give Yifan a hug.

“Thanks Manager ssi… you did see Taekwoon right?”

Yifan nods.

“I’m sorry about that Manager ssi, but you don’t have to worry about him we’re just… well friends with benefits.”

Yifan pretends that the statement didn’t hurt him. Junmyeon’s admittance to her casual relationships then answers another question Yifan had been thinking of since god knows when. That yes, Junmyeon did welcome strangers for fleeting encounters. Yifan doesn’t want to think just how many people had graced that bed. More so, he didn’t want to think about the way his heart broke to metaphorical pieces.

This night is getting too fucked up and his head is starting to ache.

Yifan looks at the singer who’s taken to eating the pastries he’s bought. She had a small content smile on her face.

“I can’t believe I’m twenty-seven.” Junmyeon says after a pause. “I still feel fucked up as when I was twenty-six.”

Yifan does not deign the statement with a reply.

//

 

August 15, 2015. 1:43 AM

Yifan follows Junmyeon to a club on that humid August day. His shirt seems to have clung to his skin and sweat pours down from his temples to his jaw. It was such a hot summer midnight and people are still on the streets.

The manager zeroes out on the figure he’d been surreptitiously following for a few nights now. It is borderline invasive behavior but Yifan has noticed something amiss with the way Junmyeon functions for the last few days, she seemed a lot more tired and dazed. Yifan’s conscience told him not to pry any further but his instincts tell him otherwise.

And when Yifan sees her enter a promiscuous looking place, he doesn't bat an eyelash. He had been slightly expecting this to happen so he’s not utterly taken aback by it. In reality he isn’t really sure what’s real anymore.

Junmyeon is decked in clothes too thick for this godforsaken heat but the singer seemed immune to it. She enters the usual hole in the wall type of club she’d been for the last four nights Yifan had tailed her. Nothing is amiss, she doesn’t wear any makeup nor flashy clothing but you’ll never miss Kim Junmyeon when you stare at her.

Small mercies, no one seems to have noticed. With the singer’s completely clean record, no one will think that Kim Junmyeon is loitering around questionable third rate clubs located in the fringes of the city, but that’s what Yifan had seen and is still seeing.

He doesn’t dare question her about it.

Yifan paces the street adjacent to the club, he gives it a few more minutes before he follows Junmyeon inside.

He takes his usual seat in front of the bar counter and the bartender only glances at him before asking, “The usual?”

Yifan nods.

He could see Junmyeon’s silhouette dancing amongst the mass of bodies in the center of the club. She turns away from the completely inebriated teenager she’d been dancing with to face another human whom she willingly gyrates her hips with, riding the beat all too perfectly.

Yifan turns away from the scene, it’s just too much.

“You’re her manager right?”

Yifan looks up to the bartender who’s slid him his drink. Yifan stares at his vodka before picking it up. “How’d you know she’s Kim Junmyeon?”

“She’s told me,” Baekhyun –the bartender –says, leaning over the counter. “Believe me, I called her bullshit on it. Turns out she’s the real fucking deal. Don’t worry, I’m keeping my mouth shut. ”

Yifan brings his stare to the bartender and threatens, albeit weak. “You fucking better.”

Yifan swore it’s the alcohol in his system that’s given him temporary courage to walk to Junmyeon, grabbing the singer by her shoulders and forcing her off the man she’d been dancing with.

If Yifan had his sobriety in order, he’d have noticed the complete look of surprise on Junmyeon’s face.

They both stare at each other. And to hell with it, they are in a club, no one knows them and Yifan had wanted this for so long. Yifan presses his body onto Junmyeon, anchoring his hands on her tiny waist, he tries to match the beat and dances. Junmyeon indulges him, her arms around his neck in seconds. Yifan’s mind blanks out and for a while all he could process around him is a moving mass of bodies bathed in alternating tones of green, red, blue and purple.

Yifan doesn’t want to think too much about what the hell just happened and if Junmyeon wanted to play with fire Yifan will let her, even if it meant he’ll get completely burned in the process.

//

 

They find themselves smoking on the rooftop of the same club. A huge billboard of Junmyeon’s face on her Etude House ad stares at them from across the building.

She looked pretty perfect, but her eyes are so dead Yifan wonders why he never noticed.

“There’s no point pretending now, huh?” Junmyeon says through the smoke that billows in front of her. She brings the lighted cigarette to her lips and inhales another long, lazy drag. Yifan could tell that she’d been smoking for some time now. He doesn’t remove his gaze from the billboard.

“The nation’s most prized treasure, their pure, angelic, utmost perfect Kim Junmyeon.” The singer chuckles darkly and the sound grates at Yifan’s ears.

Junmyeon scoffs after blowing another puff of smoke at her billboard’s direction. Yifan finally removes his gaze from it and redirects it to the woman sitting beside him, clad in tight, black pants, a shirt and some leather jacket. Yifan almost couldn’t believe the difference. Junmyeon’s face is slightly blemished, the only makeup she wears is the smudged kohl around her eyes. She has never looked so different, so real and just so…human.

Yifan still finds her beautiful.

“I’m pretty sure you’re one of the people who thinks that I’m that person.” She says, vaguely gesturing at her billboard. “She’s perfect, looked so fucking happy… what a joke. I’m so screwed up I don’t even know myself anymore, what a sick fucking joke.”

Yifan says nothing, he sits there and listens, idly watching the cigarette burn and feeling as though his heart is aflame.

He stays quiet because he is honestly out of words.

//

 

September 26, 2015. 5:09 PM

The both of them do not talk about what happened on that rooftop.

Yifan stays at the back as he watches Junmyeon go over some of her performance routine. She doesn’t look the same, Yifan notes. Junmyeon’s cheeks are considerable sunken, collarbones protrude against the pristine skin on her neck, waist and legs skinnier than ever.

She looks better, sexier, expensive clothes accentuate her body best when she’s petite. These are the things Yifan hear and he has never wanted to shut people up so bad in his life.

So Yifan acts silently. He brings Junmyeon home cooked meals and slips little nutritious snacks in and her bags and little, empty clutches. Junmyeon thanks him by eating the food despite wanting to stick her fingers down her throat, vomiting whatever food she manages to down.

They don’t talk much but Yifan lets her hold him for as long as she needs it and Yifan thinks he feels so much more than lust for Kim Junmyeon.

//

November 6, 2015. 11:23 PM

Yifan turns twenty-nine and he and Junmyeon find themselves on the way to that same dingy bar. The weather is almost freezing, Yifan’s lips are chapped.

In reality Junmyeon wouldn’t have strung him along to this little escapade of hers but she’s noticed that Yifan had moved apartments, situating himself below her penthouse. Junmyeon couldn’t believe this and before they could scream at each other in the hallway, Yifan tells her that he wanted a drink.

“Do me a favor and celebrate the 29th year of my utterly miserable life with me, will you Junmyeon.”

And so Junmyeon could only sigh before carrying on like nothing happened.

 

“I wonder how long it’ll take me to screw up my voice. Imagine the scandal this would make.” Junmyeon comments dryly, inhaling a long drag of what seems to be her seventh stick of the hour. She looks utterly unfazed by the constant stench of burning cigarette surrounding them as she inhales and exhales white smoke repeatedly.

Yifan has had enough of it.

The manager grabs her hand, effectively disconnecting the cigarette from Junmyeon’s lips. The manager takes the stick to his lips, inhales one last time before he lets it fall to the ground, stubbing it with his beat up boot.

“That’s enough.”

“What?” Junmyeon laughs humorlessly. “Are you offended that I smoke too much? I hid it from you for, I don’t know, two years? I say I’m pretty good at masking the scent then, you didn’t seem bothered by it before.”

Junmyeon moves, procuring another stick from her back pocket, however, Yifan closes a hand around her arm and pulls her towards him. They stare at each other, although Yifan couldn’t clearly see Junmyeon’s face for it is partially hidden by the hood she wore over her head.

People pass them by without recognition. It’s 11:23 in a cold evening and Yifan wanted to lean in and kiss her, kiss her then tell her that she doesn’t need to destroy herself in order to protect what’s left of her life that isn’t objectified by the same industry she’s devoted herself for so long. Yifan cradles her cheeks, his thumbs caressing her protruding cheekbones.

The moment is still but it is shattered when Junmyeon sighs and looks away. They resume walking, stopping just before the borderline dilapidated building. Yifan is almost surprised that he isn’t deafened by booming bass and grating EDM when they enter. Yifan notices an acoustic setup on a raised platform in one corner of the room. There aren’t many patrons either and the dance floor is comfortably deserted.

They sit before the shockingly spotless bar counter where Baekhyun –the bartender –looks at Junmyeon with a knowing glint in his eyes.

“It’s nice to see you again Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon chuckles, “Thanks Baekhyun, can I get the usual?” She gestures at Yifan and adds, “ and get the birthday boy something special to drink.”

Baekhyun smiles, moving over to grab the liquor for Junmyeon and Yifan’s mix.

“You should hear him sing Manager ssi, he sings infinitely better than me, might as well get him to sign a contract.”

Baekhyun laughs, pouring in small amounts of liquor into a shaker. “Shut the hell up Junmyeon. I honestly don’t want to end up like someone who sits days on end on dingy third rate bars looking like she’s seen better days.”

Baekhyun’s hopelessly oblivious, Yifan notices. He’s the only one who seems to not have a single clue about the heavy implication of his statement, of the way he cut it too close. Yifan does not glance at Junmyeon, but he knows that her spine went rigid along with her eyes.

“Yeah.” She says a few beats later. “Yeah, you’re right Baekhyun, no one wants to end up like a hollow shell of themselves, a shell full of trashed ambitions. I’m a lost cause, and you know what, I just really wanted someone to burn with me in this hell, this beautiful, glorious hell.”

Baekhyun keeps quiet after that, silently pouring them their drinks. Junmyeon picks one of the glasses and downs it with scary ease. It somewhat unnerves the manager. She finishes six of the glasses before Yifan asks her to stand up. Baekhyun, on the other hand, walks up the stage and sits beside a tall man wielding a guitar. Yifan watches them exchange meaningful glances.

“Good evening everyone.” Is what Baekhyun says before he sings, it is utmost beautiful. Junmyeon was right, he did sing infinitely better than her.

Junmyeon stands up in wobbly legs, scoffing in the process. “The guy’s Chanyeol, saw him here the first time I stepped in this rickety place. I was hoping he’d be a good fuck. Too bad Baekhyun got to him first, fucking bartender.”

Yifan leads her to a secluded corner of the dance floor, bracketing his arms around her frame loosely while she curls her palms on his chest. “They’re so in love though. I almost envy them, if they weren’t being fucking disgusting all the time that is. They might as well put a sign on their foreheads.” Yifan quietly chuckles at the statement, swaying both of their bodies to Baekhyun’s rich voice.

They are so close. Yifan could smell the lingering scent of cigarette on her skin, cigarette and muted hints of mint. She is so thin, almost fragile.

Yifan revels at the situation. It might not be such a glamorous place but nobody knew them, and in that moment Yifan could dream that Junmyeon isn’t as broken as she truly is, in that moment Yifan could pretend that they were people who lead normal lives, in that moment Yifan could pretend that Junmyeon is his, and he is Junmyeon’s.

“Manager ssi…”

Yifan hums, inhaling her scent.

“Do I disgust you? Now that you’ve seen how truly fucked up I am, aren’t you revolted?”

Yifan embraces her tighter, forgoing her question and it remains hanging in the air.

“Why are you doing this to yourself Junmyeon?” Yifan asks instead, finally addressing the elephant in the room.

Junmyeon doesn’t answer in immediate. She rests her forehead on Yifan’s shoulders and inhales. It feels like her answer is about to be ripped from her, and Yifan is guilty about it.

“Because it’s the only way I know how to remind myself that I’m not perfect. That when I’m not on that stage, they can’t control me. When I’m not on that stage I’m not their little perfect marionette.”

Junmyeon inhales, “But you know what I don’t understand about myself, Manager ssi? Is that I can’t stop despite the fact that I absolutely abhor what I’ve become. It seems like I enjoy letting them cut me open so much and I’d gladly stich myself up again and again. I love letting them gape at my scars and tell me they’re hideous, that I shouldn’t have them simply for the fact that I’m Kim Junmyeon. I’m screwed up in the head too, it’s unbelievable.” Junmyeon giggles drunkenly.

Yifan understands. In the first place, not everyone who enters the industry can get away unscathed. There are unfortunate others who gives in to this addiction and can never stop until it devastates. Junmyeon seems to be one of them and Yifan’s heart hurt all the same.

She is right. Kim Junmyeon can never have flaws, she’s programmed to be beautiful, perfect…mindless. She’s programmed to do what is expected of her, to dance, to sing and as she said it, be their little perfect marionette.

Junmyeon’s fragility is almost jarring to Yifan. When he thinks about it, he knows the reason why Junmyeon gradually spirals down into nothing, why she destroys herself. Yifan couldn’t blame her when she thinks that most of the seven million people (her official fanclub count) think that she’s incapable of flaw because that’s how her entertainment agency controlled her. Yifan realizes this because he’s been one of the many instruments they used.

The thought is utterly horrific to Yifan so he embraces Junmyeon tighter and starts whispering in his mother tongue.

“You are loved.” He says and tries to hold onto his tears, “You are loved Junmyeon, you are loved.”

And he doesn’t just mean himself, he means seven million people across the globe who adore such a truly broken woman.

//

Dispatch: _“BREAKING: KIM JUNMYEON SPOTTED EXITING A CLUB + PHOTO AND VIDEO EVIDENCE OF THE ARTIST SMOKING.”_

[+12,678, -8703] _I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS, THIS IS NOT HER. I AM SURE THAT OTHER COMPANIES ARE MAKING THIS LOOK LIKE A HUGE SCANDAL JUST BECAUSE HER THREE DAY CONCERT SOLD OUT IN SECONDS. THIS IS NOT TRUE. THIS IS NOT JUNMYEON._

[+10,456 -5402] _oops, it’s been seven years since her debut and this scandal is her first, going to be pretty major. This is inappropriate but I’m honestly excited how this will turn out. ㅋㅋㅋ_

[+7890, -2345] _oh for fuck’s sake. I am a fan of Junmyeon but I don’t mind her going out and having some good fun. She’s twenty-seven goddamnit. She’s not a kid anymore and she could do whatever the hell she wants. She’s not that innocent girl she’s been portraying for years now, grow the fuck up and let her have some good fun. She wants to smoke, then let her, she’s old enough to know its bad for her. she wants to dance in a club and go home with a random stranger, then let her! she’s not your little doll, grow the hell up!!!_

 

February 08, 2016. 4:09 PM

2015 passes like usual, Junmyeon does not receive any Disk Daesang during the year end awards due to the fact that she’d been mostly inactive for a good chunk of the year. However, this doesn’t stop major award giving bodies to invite her to perform, just for her star power and the amount of people she could reign in.

As they say, money is money.

Unfortunately, scandal breaks out in February. The paper states that Junmyeon had been frequenting the club since last year and the photos of her smoking are a solid truth. Her fans take the report like a bomb had blew up.

 

//

The room is tense, Yifan could almost cut the tension with a knife. CEO Park slaps the papers on top of the glass conference table and the sound is too loud in Yifan’s ears.

“Can you explain to me what the actual hell happened?” The CEO seethes, obviously directing the question at Junmyeon, who sits beside Yifan looking resigned as usual, her face fixed into such nonchalance. Yifan fights the urge to take her hand into his.

“Well as you can see seonsangnim, I fucked up. Maybe this will spur you on to finally cut down my contract, but you can’t right? I make too much money for you, I’m too valuable so are we really going to continue with this because I might as well practice, my tour is next month you don’t want to lose that money right.”

The CEO sighs, looking a lot more resigned, facial expression suddenly serene. Junmyeon hit the nail spot on and Yifan knew the middle aged man couldn’t do anything but clean up the mess. “I don’t want you to go anywhere, do you understand me. Practice for your concert and we’ll cover this up.”

Junmyeon stands up from her seat and leaves the room without so much a parting a word. Yifan doesn’t follow her.

“It’s not the first time this happened you know.” CEO Park states, answering the manager’s silent inquiry. “Since her first million seller, she’d been acting out. It’s gotten so severe this time that the media finally released it, they know they could get a good chunk of money when Junmyeon’s involved. Don’t let her out of your sight Manager Wu, we can’t have her going around when the media is hot on her with this new issue.”

Yifan stays quiet. His mind reels with all the facts he’s suddenly getting and that Junmyeon’s first million seller was almost four years ago, with her first full album. Yifan realized that all these things he’s witnessing is not a turning point, there was no catalyst to Junmyeon’s downfall. It’s just a bunch of events piled high on each other until Junmyeon cracked from the weight of it.

You see, one never sees the advent of a destruction. No one can predict when it’s going to happen until it shows cracks, and when one realizes just how damaged it is, it’s late for a list ditch attempt to save it. Because no matter what they say, it’s almost impossible to fix whatever’s broken beyond repair.

Yifan stands up and exits the conference room with a rigid bow. He feels as though the last seven years of his life knowing Junmyeon is nothing but a convoluted, cleanly executed lie.

 

Yifan watches Junmyeon go over her concert set list like her body is on autopilot. It’s painful to watch but Yifan does not say anything else. He stays quiet and silently holds Junmyeon when she starts to breakdown in front of him, he doesn’t say anything but whispers Chinese phrases into her ear, hoping to calm her down.

“You are loved. You are loved.”

Her sobs reverberate around the empty dance studio and Yifan’s low gruff voice gets lost in the background.

“You are loved Junmyeon, you are loved.”

//

Dispatch via Nate: _“SMX entertainment releases statements about Kim Junmyeon’s recent issue. + singer closes down SNS accounts.”_

_Hello this is SMX._

_We are here to deeply apologize for whatever inconvenience our Kim Junmyeon had caused you. The singer is now taking time to reflect on her actions and is working extra hard for her concert. She hopes that ‘Angels’ will continue to support her for upcoming tour._

_Our Junmyeon is also earnestly preparing for her new album, in which she will yet again try to show another side of her. She will soon release a personal statement in accordance to her past actions. Once again, we apologize for this._

_Thank you very much._

[+8239, -453] _this message is just highly impersonal. I thought SMX could give us better explanation than this. It’s sad to see Junmyeon close down her SNS, I shall miss her._

[+7802, -728] _as usual, a very clean exit SMX. I shall clap my hands._

[+5783, -1761] _at this point I’m just glad that they didn’t try to hide the fact that it was junmyeon in those photos. Its just pathetic if they try to hide what’s obvious. Also I’m not sure why everyone hates her just because of some clubbing photos and a few smokes, hmp, who the hell cares everyone smokes these days anyway._

 

March 3, 2016. 1:25 AM

“Do you ever wonder what shit the author was on when he wrote this? It’s such a colorful clusterfuck…like a unicorn on LSD.” Junmyeon gestures at the TV just as Spirited Away’s credits start rolling. Yifan is not sure when and why they started watching Japanese animated films without the subtitles.

Yifan glances at the nearly empty bottle of whisky sitting on the coffee table and directs his gaze at Junmyeon. He holds his alcohol pretty well but the singer is another story, it’s a week before her concert and she’s three seconds away from alcohol poisoning.

“That was fun, I wish I were Chihiro, I wish I were any fictional character. They always seem to know how to fix their shit no matter what level of fucked up it is.”

She takes another long swig of her alcohol and throws her head back against the couch, laughing. “But then again Chihiro doesn’t live a life as bad as what I call my reality. How do I even begin to fix my shit when it’s my life exploding right before my very face and I can’t do anything to stop it?”

Her drunken question hangs in the air as she ends up folding her legs against her chest, cradling her half empty glass of whisky. Tears start to stream down her face. “You know Manager ssi, at times I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore. Albeit there’s approximately seven million people telling me that I’m Kim Junmyeon, I’m twenty-seven, I like blue and purple, I play the piano, I’m genius at the guitar and I’m just so fucking perfect. I don’t know if it’s all real. My reflection scares me these days because I don’t fucking recognize myself. When I sing I don’t remember why I wanted to sing in the first place and I don’t know why I’m still here…”

She pauses and inhales, she doesn’t seem to notice the trail of liquid streaming from her eyes. “I’m so scared that I can’t stop wanting to not exist, I just want to disappear. I want to claw out my heart every fucking time. God knows how I truly wish to become that glossy picture of a perfect girl adored by millions but I just fucking can’t and it terrifies me so much.”

Yifan puts his own whisky glass on the coffee table and gathers Junmyeon in his arms, encircling her bony frame with too much force he could crush her. “You know, they’re fictional for a reason. They don’t live real lives like you and I. They could do everything they want because they’re not beyond pages and screens. You’re a greater hero, you know. Because you make people happy…no matter what, you make people happy.”

Yifan is technically holding the other end of a thin string where Junmyeon dangles precariously, ready to submit herself to this void. The manager is desperate to save her and he doesn’t care if it felt like cutting away a piece of himself every damn time. Yifan does not care, as long as there is something left to hold on to, he will never let go.

“And you are loved, you are loved.”

//

March 13, 2016. 10:09 PM

Two days before she starts her headlining concert in Seoul, a group of paparazzi starts loitering around Junmyeon’s high-rise. The singer watches them as she sits on top of the wide railing, her feet dangling and she doesn’t care.

Thirty-five floors down, people look like they’re ants and Junmyeon wonders with an almost macabre curiosity. She wonders what’ll happen when she suddenly materializes before them, bloody and well…dead. They’re looking for her and she wants to give them just that.

The thought brings a wry smile to Junmyeon’s face, just one step and she could finally soar, weightless…free.

The singer stands up and exhales, puffs of smoke emerging from her breath. She brings the lighted cigarette to her lips, inhaling one more time and lets the nicotine poison her lungs with deceptive warmth.

She loves it.

Junmyeon closes her eyes, stepping closer to the edge. Before the singer could free fall to her much welcomed end, a pair of arms surround her waist and pulls her back and down. Junmyeon falls against a hard chest with a muted thud and a consequent resounding crack as her manager’s back hit the cement rooftop. She could feel his pulse beating frenetically oddly a comparable difference against the calm that swept over her.

“While I’m here, do. not. fucking. attempt. that.” Yifan’s rasps, arms loosening around her frame. The manager groans in pain, shifting to let Junmyeon move. His head feels like it is under water, throbbing with a dull pain that shoot down his spine and to his limbs. He could feel warm liquid, trickling from his temple from where his head got most of the impact.

However, the pain in his head fades in comparison to the way his heart suddenly burned. It was such an excruciating thought to have let Junmyeon do that. It horrified Yifan.

“Yifan…” Junmyeon traces her index finger in the thin trail of blood on Yifan’s temple, the manager flinches.

Junmyeon doesn’t seem to know what to say. Yifan looks at her deadened eyes and he almost wants to laugh and cry at the same time. He leans in and grabs Junmyeon by her shirt’s collar with what strength his body managed to save after hitting his head and kisses her. Junmyeon’s lips are slightly chapped against his and the nicotine on her breathe makes him dizzy, makes him press his lips harder against hers.

He kisses her like a man on his dying breath. He probes his tongue inside her heated mouth. He kisses her with want, need, maybe even love. Black starts clouding the edges of Yifan’s vision and he retracts to take a breath but not a few seconds later, he reconnects his lips to and this time it’s almost brutal. He bites her lower lip wanting to draw blood. He kisses her with anger, frustration and sadness. He kisses her with everything in between and if he could kiss her until life is breathed back into her, he would. Even it takes his breath and kills him in the process he would. Yifan will give his last breath for Junmyeon because that’s the only thing he could offer.

Before his consciousness fades Yifan whispers one more thing, he says this like a reverent prayer to a god he doesn’t believe in.

“Please stay with me.”

 

Pain is what wakes Yifan. Stinging pain that starts from his head and down, immobilizing his body. The manager groans and lets out a colorful string of Chinese profanities.

“Sir, you need to stay down.”

“Where the fuck am I?”

“You’re in a hospital after getting a minor concussion. Don’t worry everything is alright.”

Yifan squeezes his eyes shut, all the memories filtering through his mind and he’s powerless to stop it. “How long was I out?”

“At least four hours, you’ve been cleared but we need to wait for the results of your tests first to determine how much damage your head had gotten.”

Yifan had no time for such things. “I would really appreciate that but I have no time right now, and I need to know why I’m here. Just give me the paperwork and I’ll catch up with those tests okay.”

The manager stands up from the bed albeit the doctor’s futile attempts to pin him back down. So he signs paperwork, reroutes all the hospital bills to the company and ends up cradling his head against the cheap seat cover of the cab he flagged down. When he arrives at the looming apartment building, his head is about ready to kill him.

Everything’s killing him these days.

Yifan enters the lobby and the concierge sends him a concerned look, he ignores it opting instead to directly enter the elevator that had been waiting for him. He punches thirty-five on the key code and the metal compartment starts its silent ascent. It opens with a silent sound and Yifan steps outside and shivers.

Everything is also too fucking cold these days.

The hallway is dark and Yifan enters Junmyeon’s penthouse unit without so much a warning. It’s dark as usual, and Junmyeon sits in front of the tall windows, facing another building with her face on the edifice. She is so still and Yifan’s entrance doesn’t seem to bother her. One of the little, orange pill bottles surrounding her rolls to Yifan’s feet and he doesn’t want to know what they contained. There’s too many little, orange bottles.

Junmyeon looks dazed, her eyes unfocused. Yifan doesn’t want to think too much about it, his head is in so much pain and this is simply killing him, it utterly rips him by the seams. Imagine it, he’s come to a point in his life where he falls in love with the same woman he’d been with for the last seven years only to watch her unravel and pave the way to her own demise. It is fucking ironic.

“I hope you were treated Manager ssi, you suddenly blacked out and then I called the concierge since I can’t exit the building. Are you well?”

Yifan doesn’t care about these things, he embraces the singer, wanting to feel her solid and very much alive against him. Yet another embrace like he’s holding on for his own pathetic life.

And then he asks, cutting the question down for it is simply too macabre for his ears. “Why did you…?”

Junmyeon inhales, her hands curling loosely against the manager’s chest. She doesn’t cry this time, simply answers in a neutral voice: “I wanted to fly”

YIfan’s breath hitches, as if there’s a metal disk lodged in his throat. He’s suffocating.

//

Newsen: _“Kim Junmyeon concludes her sold out three day concert in Seoul + Tour dates for her consequent World Tour revealed.”_

[+13456, -2012] _I knew that no matter how tainted her reputation had become due to her smoking and clubbing, one can never beat her when it comes to records. As if people would actually waste good money just because their favorite musician is smoking. As if. No one can really beat Junmyeon, she’s just…a goddess._

[+12679, -2312] _I still don’t feel good about her scandal but I just can’t waste my tickets like that. What she did was disappointing but we all need to grow up at some point. And I didn’t waste my money on for those three days, she still sings great and puts on an amazing show._

[+9811, -4231] _I thought everyone’s gonna ditch the concert. You guys are hypocrites, lashing out on her but worships the ground she walks on either way. You’re all insane._

March 17, 2016. 8:30 PM

The concert proceeds as scheduled. In the pre-summer heat of March, fans of various races quickly fill up Seoul’s biggest arena. Tickets were all sold out for the first few seconds of selling and it’s not a surprise.

Yifan doesn’t stay backstage this time, acting as one of Junmyeon’s floor manager. This time he sits on the front rows with thousands of people screaming passionately behind him. Yifan doesn’t hear them for his focus is onto Junmyeon and Junmyeon alone. Yifan is surprised to see her so alive. Her smiles are still laced with that subdued kind of sadness but at least they are real. The light in her eyes is real.

Yifan’s head still hurts and there’s still a bandage wrapped around it but he doesn’t dwell on the pain.

“Thank you all for coming tonight.” Junmyeon begins to say, her words stunted as she catches her breath. Sweat pours down the side of her face in rivulets and she is just so breathtaking.

“I hope you’ve enjoyed all of what I’ve prepared for everyone, are you guys happy?”

Fans scream in affirmation.

“I’m glad that I can make you all happy. I don’t deserve all the love you’ve given me for the past seven –almost eight years –and for that I am more than grateful. I love you all.”

There’s a sudden hush as the arena darkens, light sticks suddenly going off and Yifan’s blood pressure skyrockets.

No, no, no don’t do this to her.

But just as suddenly white light sticks are raised, the difference stark against the light orange of the fandom’s color. Yifan sees the beginnings of a pair of ivory wings spanning from the center of the arena upwards.

_“We love you our angel, we love you our Junmyeon.”_

_“We love you our angel, we love you our Junmyeon.”_

_“We love you our angel, we love you our Junmyeon.”_

Yifan watches as Junmyeon begins to cry in earnest, her smile beautiful against the backdrop of her tears.

Yifan has never fallen so hard

“Thank you so much.” Junmyeon cries, her speech coming out brokenly. “Thank you so, so much. I wish I can be so much for you all.” Her voice catches on a sob –

“I’m so sorry but I love you all, I love you all so much.”

The light darkens and Junmyeon sings her final song.

_마치 아무것도 모르는 아이로 그렇게…._

 

Yifan sees Junmyeon again after the concert.

She’s utterly joyful. Colleagues pat her back and tell her how amazing her show had been and she accepts all these compliments almost sincerely. She bows her head and thanks whoever congratulates her. Yifan thinks that it’s finally over. That her grasp on her passion is finally back.

“It was an amazing show Junmyeon.” Yifan says and Junmyeon regards him with a bright smile. “Thank you so much Yifan, I owe it to you.”

Yifan wanted to tell her, but then again it could wait.

I love you.

Yes it could wait.

//

March 19, 2016. 4:00 AM

_"Manager ssi, please take care of yourself. I'm allowing you to drink coffee but not too much okay."_

Yifan enters the elevator and quickly hits for the 35th floor. He’d received a text from Junmyeon and it rung with foreboding disaster that ate away at his sanity. He quickly ditches his appointment.

As the elevator makes its ascent, Yifan prays, for the first time in his life he prays to whatever god out there that –

Please don’t let anything bad happen to her, please oh god. Please.

Finally, finally the elevator opens and Yifan bolts out like death was on him. He enters Junmyeon’s penthouse apartment and almost deflates in relief as he sees the singer hunched on the grand piano in the middle of the room.

The whole living area is bathed with dim light from the streets filtering to the floor to ceiling windows and as Yifan walks closer he notices that Junmyeon had fallen asleep on the piano. Even in sleep she looked ethereal. She wore a decent, close necked white blouse with some tennis skirt. The look for her debut. Yifan muses.

When the manager steps closer he finally notices one thing amiss: some of the piano’s white keys had been painted black. The liquid drips from the piano tiles and onto the floor creating a small puddle of black liquid.

Yifan had been wrong, if the lights were on, he would’ve noticed that it was startling scarlet and it came from a gash that cut deeply against the skin of Junmyeon’s left wrist.

And as Yifan noticed the world seemed to have tilted out of its axis and everything and everyone was falling to the ground, crashing in uncountable pieces.

Yifan screams.


	5. epilogue

_A twenty year old Kim Junmyeon shouted an indignant “No manager ssi!” as Yifan was about to down his usual cup of calming coffee for the day. He needed the caffeine, despite its artificial energy and bad content, he indulged on it like there was no tomorrow._

_The manager cocked an eyebrow, “And why the hell not?”_

_Junmyeon picked the coffee from his loose hold and promptly tossed it into the nearby trash bin. Yifan squawked indignantly as his precious brown liquid spilled through before consequently meeting its end at the bottom of the bin. He almost screamed._

_“Junmyeon what the actual fuck?”_

_Said girl smiled at him cheekily, “No coffee allowed,” she grabbed a small thermos off of the vanity table in her dressing room. “You should learn to drink lemon tea, it’s healthier and has lots of benefits for your old weary body…it is packed with vitamin…”_

_And she rattled off said benefits and Yifan placed a palm on his face, sighing heavily. Three months into this new and it’s already proving to be extremely hectic._

_“So, let me get this straight…” Yifan drawled, prolonging the impending confrontation. “You’re not allowing me to drink my coffee.”_

_“Yes!” Junmyeon chirped, “I mean I can’t let you intoxicate on that hideous thing. You are my manager and I want you as healthy as possible. Anyway it’s not that I’m not allowing you to drink, I will, when I’m like dying or something, maybe I will.”_

_After saying thus, Junmyeon gracefully turned her back on him. Her white tennis skirt and long ponytail twirled with the action._

_Yifan sighed, stared at the thermos of lemon tea in his hold and decided to take a sip._

_“Fuck this is disgusting.”_

* * *

 

_DISPATCH: “Breaking: SMX entertainment comes clean about Kim Junmyeon’s sudden hiatus and cancellations of tours.”_

_Hello this is SMX,_

_We regret to announce that our Junmyeon’s consequent tour dates for her fifth World tour are all cancelled. We are deeply saddened to inform you that Junmyeon has contracted a severe illness and has been getting treatment._

_The company shall be liable for all the concert tickets sold, we ask the fans to follow through the instructions given by the company to all concert coordinators across Asia, for the refund._

_We cannot say for now, how long Junmyeon shall stay in the hospital for her treatments but the company wishes her fast recovery._

_Junmyeon would also like to receive all her fans’ letters and thus we shall reopen her mailing address._

_Thank you very much._

[+23,091, -6,632] _rumors say that she actually tried to commit suicide. I’m not sure how true, but all rumors turn out to be true these days. I just hope she is okay._

[+19,212, -4,214] _can someone please stop circulating all these malicious rumors?! We don’t know if she’s pregnant, or had committed suicide, or just extremely sick. We don’t know anything, so can we please just shut the hell up and continue to hope for her recovery. All these rumors aren’t doing any damn good!_

[+15,323, -12,212] _she shall be missed if the suicide rumor is indeed true and she actually perished._

 

May 25, 2016. 1:04 AM

Yifan swipes his thumb across his phone screen. The letters beneath the glass barely readable due to the fact that the panel is too cracked. He’d tossed it across the wall far too many times and he wonders why it still works.

Blame his coping mechanism.

He traces his eyes over the digitalized letters of Junmyeon’s text message. It had been two months and the manager had the words practically burned into his eyes and embedded into his brain but he couldn’t seem to stop reading and reading the final letters Junmyeon had ever said to him.

It felt like picking out a scabbed over wound and rubbing salt on it, over and over again. He wonders when he’d become such a masochist. He glances at the figure hunched on the bed, her body curled, almost folded in two. Junmyeon’s eyes had a glazed look on them, as if it’s just her body and not a living soul on that hospital bed. She looks so different even from months where she started spiraling down to what Yifan is witnessing.

He’d barely saved her. The doctors had said that she had been a centimeter away from nicking a major artery in the wrist. The operation had become even more difficult when they’d discovered the amount of euphoric drugs she had on her system. Junmyeon had woken up eight days after the operation and hadn’t said a word since.

The professionals say she’d need rehabilitation for Post-Traumatic Stress, and the company wanted to do just that. But they hesitate, too afraid that despite sworn to an oath, the doctors who will eventually handle her will tattle it off when faced with a price. So they do nothing and wait until Junmyeon would resurface.  Yifan had been too shaken to say anything.

 

Yifan walks over and envelops Junmyeon’s thin, too fragile frame in his arms and whispers the words he’d been reciting in his head over and over again.

“I love you, please come back to me.”

//

July 14, 2016. 10:00 PM

Newsen: “Breaking: Kim Junmyeon releases official statement after five months of disappearance.”

 

_Hello this is Junmyeon._

_First and foremost I am writing this to apologize to my fans who have been patiently waiting for my tour. It is a pity but I cannot continue with the cancelled projects._

_The reality is that I have decided to retire from the entertainment industry, this might seem abrupt but in truth I have been planning to say this for a very long time._

_I am not pregnant but I am utterly sick, emotionally. There are plenty of reasons why I want to step down but I will not enumerate them here and sound as though I am begging for your pity. For once, I do not want to lie to all of you so I am telling you that for a few times I have tried to end my life. I have been experiencing a deep ache for a few years now and I have unspeakable things to quench the pain. But then I came to a point where I couldn’t think of anything else to stop it from crushing me, I couldn’t think of anything else but end my own life. What I did was final but fortunately I have survived and right now, I am being reminded of the things that made life worth living._

_This is a cowardly thing and I am deeply regretful but this is the only way I could relay this message truthfully and wholeheartedly. No, this is not the end of my singing career, for singing is originally one of my passions._

_Once again, I want to thank everyone who have supported me from the beginning until this point. I wish you all happiness._

* * *

 

June 3, 2017. 6:54 AM

Yifan stares at the expanse of a bare, tattooed back. The black ink contrasts against the pristine white sheets of the bed and Yifan couldn’t stop himself from reaching out with his index finger, tracing the lines of broken angel wings that occupied the whole of Junmyeon’s back, the edges of the wings skirting her shoulders.

Yifan had always been fascinated by it.

Junmyeon turns, her long brown hair moving with the action and Yifan’s breath hitches.

She had been broken and her cracks still showed sometimes but Yifan couldn’t think of anything else. Junmyeon is still as beautiful and will be beautiful always.

It had been such a hard few months after the truth came out. But for the moment, they are two lost souls who found shelter in each other. And maybe Yifan had saved her, but she saved him too.

Yifan smiles at her.

_I love you._

Junmyeon smiles back.

_I love you more._

 

**Author's Note:**

> i cross posted this in AFF. same title same content, different author but yeah still me.


End file.
